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The media seem to be labouring under the strange delusion that Saturday’s events in Germany were not awesome in every way for England.

The Sunday Times labeled England’s efforts sub-standard and laboured, while negative old codger Hugh Mcllvaney wrote a piece headlined: “Adrift in void left by Rooney”.

The Racing Post, normally a more reliable purveyor of the facts, trumpeted: “England so unconvincing in victory”.

Here’s why the buffoons of the press are putting an incorrect spin on things yet again:

1. Playing, and beating, technically accomplished South American opposition in stifling temperatures is a superb feat. The English lads aren’t used to playing in such a furnace, while the Paraguayans lap it up. Also, it hasn’t been mentioned much but the ref had a shocker and gave every contentious decision Paraguay’s way, making the result all the more meritorious.

That’s our last mid-afternoon match and we got three points out of it. Better displays are guaranteed when we have late-afternoon and evening games in more temperate conditions.

2. If you hadn’t seen the game, you could be forgiven for thinking from the reports that we were clinging on by our fingertips in the second-half. Rubbish! The Paraguayans had more of the possession (as you would expect after they were dominated in the first half) but, while we still looked dangerous when going forward, they barely created a chance, as Terry and Ferdinand calmly kept things tight at the back. On the BBC commentary messrs Motson and Lawrenson were having kittens as the South Americans launched wave after wave of … completely harmless attacks.

Yes, we should have won 2-0 or 3-0 but the fact we won at all is the main thing – save the goals for later in the tournament boys!

3. The defence and midfield all played well, Owen will come good when the games get bigger, Crouch did a solid job, Downing looked lively when he came on and there’s a certain W Rooney chomping at the bit to get into action – when he does he’ll be as fresh as a daisy. It’s all good.

4. The other results have been fantastic for England. Trinidad have achieved the unexpected by getting a point against Sweden and, tired from their brave efforts, could sub-consciously lie down against England, saving themselves for their winnable Paraguay game. Hopefully, we can roll into the Sweden game already qualified, and able to rest anyone nursing knocks. Ecuador, Poland and Germany don’t look too scary as far as second round opponents go either.